Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
