just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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