I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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