He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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