I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i think my mom watched the whole time
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we made out on top of his cat.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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