I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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