I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
