i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
