My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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