tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
