Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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