apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
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