This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
