My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
