My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
