I could make wine with my vomit
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
