did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
