My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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