I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
