Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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