No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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