Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
