my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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