My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
