woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
