Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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