So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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