I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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