Soap is not a condiment
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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