If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Randomize
