A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
