you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
