also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
