What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
