I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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