before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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