Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
We're too hungover to prance.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
