No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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