I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
