Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
