got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He keeps bees of course he's weird
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
