I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
