Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So much rum. So many feels.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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