I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
