it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
