When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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