Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
