Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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