you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
