you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
